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Andy in Page 16: Holly, thanks for clearing all that up. Since [...]Gozer the Carpathian in Page 200: It is always great to watch the evolution [...]
Gozer the Carpathian in Page 67: Anyone else think, “I don’t know how but [...]
Holly in Page 16: @Andy: Drew wasn’t trying to sway your interest [...]
Andy in Page 16: Oh, I thought you might want someone reading [...]
Hmm… his reasoning is sound, but he seems to have reached his conclusion alarmingly quickly. Maybe he already had suspicions about his superiors? Otherwise, it’s a big paradigm shift to absorb.
The dialog on this page comes across as pretty stilted, and there are a few spelling errors! I recognize that after plowing through a massive amount of art, tagging on the speech balloons and worrying about the dialogue isn’t something you want to spend a whole lot of time on, but a little extra time in the editing phase goes a long way!
I’d recommend that you change the dialog to something more like this:
(Grey’s second line): The Resistance?
Agrippa: One of the main reasons the war between our species continues is corruption at the top. Some very powerful men are profiting from the suffering of others, and want to keep it that way.
Agrippa: It’s my job to bring these men to justice.
I’d also change Grey’s final dialog a little bit:
Grey: … (extra balloon to add a “beat” to the dialog)
Grey: Before today, I might have thought differently, but… after seeing my entire unit slaughtered because the brass didn’t give a damn, I’ve only got one question:
Grey: …where do I sign up?
Also, if you want to give Grey a clearer reason for this rather large shift in viewpoint, you might want to change preceding pages a little bit. Right now, it sounds like Grey’s unit was simply abandoned… tragic, but often a necessity in war. If you want to give him a real reason for a grudge, make it so that the brass sent them in to test the waters as bait instead. >:D
I just want to quickly point out that I’m aware of the storytelling issues with this page, in all honesty, it was a difficult scene to write, and I knew it seemed a little rushed.
I’ll keep in mind what you guys said and I’ll likely alter the dialogue to make it flow better. I will also definitely be fixing any grammatical/spelling errors that were pointed out. I appreciate you guys letting me know, because even when I proof read something a dozen times, I’ll probably miss things.
Thanks again for the feedback, I’m glad you are enjoying the story and giving your two cents on what you think should happen. While I may not implement all changes that have been brought up, it is still nice to know what you guys think so I can do better in future chapters. The prologue was rather difficult as I had a lot of ground to cover in 23 pages, along with the fact that I would have to consider the continuity of future chapters. Not making excuses, I’m aware it’s flawed, I just want a less exposition heavy introduction to the comic, so I hope that was accomplished.
Thanks again for the feedback, I’m sure I’ll be implementing some changes later on. It’s great to know I have readers that understand that I’m still learning, and are encouraging at the same time.
-Holly
Happy to help, Holly! We’re just picking on you because we like where you’re going with things and want to see it get even more awesome!
One thing about war is that it is profiteered to gain riches instead of helping people! This is why Iraq War and Afghan War is controversial. Except Saddam’s intention to invade Kuwait is to get oil and take over the world with raising oil prices.
Keep your politics out of my comics, damnit.
Hey, this is a bit rude, but I’m terrible for this; typo, 2nd last panel ‘enitre’/entire
I can see why he made this decision pretty quickly, since most soldiers I’ve heard talk about being in a war mostly want the war to just stop. You’d think he’d ask for a little proof. Just cuz they saved his life doesn’t mean they don’t plan on using him for evil.
We have not really spoken to much about Grey and his history as it is going to come up in the graphic novel. I was going to write some massive post about him and his history but I figured I should probably just write his back story dating before the Battle on Aurora Prime……. as I most likely should have done awhile ago, lol.
- Drew
I’m currently updating for the print edition, and I made a point to tweak this page. Hope this is an improvement over earlier.
Panel 3 should say “I’ll see to it”, not “I see to it”.
Oh, also in Panel 3. The “E” at the end of JUSTICE is not bold and italics like the rest of the work.
word.. not work